Worse things have happened to me, but this is the story I wanted to share. There was little force and we lived together, but it still affected me badly. I believed him when he said I was selfish, even after I ended up leaving him because of his abuse. In the months following I had several one night stands with men I wasn’t even attracted to. I felt that wanting to have sex with me was the standard I should be going for because I didn’t have anything else to offer that they couldn’t get from anyone else.

This post was submitted by Cassandra.

One night he drank himself stupid. He wanted sex. He didn’t want to look at my face so he told me to get on all fours – doggy style. I agreed. He was rough and aggressive and demanding. I was passive and hoping eventually he would stop being like this.

He slipped out of my vagina and his penis slid up to my bum. I pulled away and told him he was up too far. He pulled me back and pushed against me. I howled in pain and pulled away. He pulled me back and forced himself in. I whimpered over and over again to stop, please stop, it hurt. He came relatively quickly although it felt like an eternity. He slapped my ass and left the room. I curled up in a ball and tried to relax the muscles in my bum so the pain would stop. I puked in my mouth.

He came back and mumbled “Did I just cross some line?” and passed out in a drunken stupor. I slowly made my way to the bathroom where I realized I was bleeding from my bum. It hurt.

Every day for a week when I had a bowel movement there was blood and the tears reopened and I bled. I was too ashamed to go to the Doctor. I was too ashamed to tell anyone. I kept silent. I finally told my counselor who I was seeing about my bulimia. She called it rape. I wanted to argue. I didn’t want to be that woman. She told me if I felt safer not reporting it, it didn’t make me a coward because the rape conviction rate for rape inside marriage was pretty much non-existent. I kept silent.

I won’t anymore. I’m divorced now. Knowing who my abuser was makes it worse. I still have to see my ex when he has custody of my daughter.

But I am healing, slowly. And I want to be heard because marital rape is all to often overlooked. It’s just as devastating.

This post was submitted by Jade.

This post was submitted by Andrea.

A pattern, repeated time and again
The victim doesn’t understand

The blame must be hers
Stupid, stupid girl

After the abuse
When the bruises are gone
The sore places on her body have healed
She is left with the humiliation
The shame
The filth
That sticks to her body like scum

She believes she is the essence of filth

She separates her body from her heart
For protection

4 short stories of sexual aggression.

Story 1:
The girl is 12 years old
Exploring an abandoned house with George
Her friend

George is a big, 14 year old
He traps her in a dirty corner
She’s confused
He is strong

Laughing at her
He pushes her down on the floor
She’s fighting and struggling

He gets her pants pulled down enough
To expose her most private parts
What is he trying to do?

She doesn’t understand
She’s so ashamed of her exposed sexuality
How did she get here?
Stupid, stupid girl

His heavy body on top of her
He’s trying to put his thing between her legs

He’s shoving, pushing, sweating
Bruising her thighs
He can’t seem to get his thing into her
She’s not sure exactly where he wants to put it
Why would he want to do this?

He finally stops
Leaves her on the dirty floor of the abandoned house

So confused
So ashamed
Doesn’t understand what happened

She gets up
Pulls her pants back up
Walks back to school and doesn’t tell a soul

Story 2:
The girl is 15
Getting drunk on homemade apple wine
With her friend Tom in his room
Tom is 17 and overweight

He pushes her down on the floor
And sits on her
Pulls up her shirt
She pulls it back down
Struggles to escape

He’s heavy and big
Sits firm on her body
Holds down her arms with his knees
He plays with her breasts
She struggles
“What do you care” he says

She doesn’t understand
She’s so ashamed of her exposed sexuality
How did she get here?
Stupid, stupid girl

So confused
So ashamed
Doesn’t understand what happened

He finally stops
She pulls her shirt down and goes home
She doesn’t tell a soul

Story 3:
The girl is 16
On a school trip to hear a concert
In town before the show
The kids had a “bash”
(God knows where the teachers were)
She got too drunk
Has passed out on the bus

Waking up from drunken sleep
She finds Paul, the most popular boy in school, leaning over her
His hands up her shirt
Feeling her breasts

He’s laughing

She’s told that all the boys in her class have had a feel of her breasts

She doesn’t understand
She’s so ashamed of her exposed sexuality
How did she get here?
Stupid, stupid girl

So confused
So ashamed
Doesn’t understand what happened

He runs away laughing
She straightens her cloths and wishes she could die

She doesn’t tell a soul
Even though the jokes on her, everyone knows

Story 4:
The girl is 26
She’s making love to her boyfriend, Koby
They’d argued earlier
But that was before
They had made up and were making love

He was tender and loving
He gently rolled her over

And then, this lover, Koby
Without warning
Held her down
No longer gentle
He forced his hard penis into her anus
He ignored her pain

She doesn’t understand
She’s so ashamed of her exposed sexuality
How did she get here?
Stupid, stupid girl

So confused
So ashamed
Doesn’t understand what happened

He said he was still angry from the earlier argument
He wanted to teach her a lesson

They break up a little while after that
What he did to her remains a dirty secret
She doesn’t tell a soul

4 stories, One girl
She has more stories
She was raped by an acquaintance when she was 17
Sexually assaulted by a salesman in a cloths store when she was 20
The circle goes round and round
Her world is one of self hate, fear and hiding

The girl is me
It’s easier to talk about her as someone else
My story is no more tragic then others, less then some

The reason I am sharing the story is not because my story is unique
I think there are many with a similar story
Sharing the story helps heal the wound
The ugly details of the abuse are hard to express
But even harder to express is the self hate, the shame, the dark secret
These remain long after the physical body has healed

Rape can and does happen to women of all kinds
But there are those, possibly most cases of rape
In which the women and girls are caught in the same circle I was caught in
The aggressor, which is a friend or acquaintance of his victim,
Takes advantage of her low self esteem
And the aggressor takes advantage of his status as a friend

It is harder to stop a friend then it is to stop a stranger
The rapist has the advantage that you trust him
That you don’t want to hurt a friend
That you are confused that your friend would want to hurt you

After years of self reflection
A little therapy
And some help from friends (the real kind)
I have finally broken out of the circle
For me, I had to learn that I am worthy
Beautiful, Good

To discover my own goodness I had to stop hiding
Stand naked in front of the mirror
Love the girl that had been raped, abused, scarred
I had to forgive myself

It is a long, long journey
It takes courage, support and understanding
Of people that know how to listen without judgment and without fear

At the age of 50 I can now touch and be touched

This post was submitted by libby.

The first time he actually penetrated me he held me down and no matter how much screaming I did it didnt help. After that incident I told him I wouldnt come over anymore at which point he put the barrel of a 357 revolver in my mouth and pulled the trigger he didnt load it but I didnt know that. He told me if I ever told or stopped coming over the next time it would be loaded. There was a while when I wish it had been loaded so it would be over.

During the rape I totally disconnected myself from the event. I remember seeing myself struggling and screaming which didnt make sense because i was on the ceiling or in the corner hiding curled up.

As a way of dealing with the rape I blocked out everything from my memory including my childhood. My life as an adult was mostly not feeling anything dont let anyone in never get too close to anyone. I even went as far as joining the Navy to get away from the memories.

I burried the memories for about 25 years though it did show through with the way I socially isolated as much as possible and my one early suicide ideation about age 23.

I married and we had one wonderful child but throughout the marriage I didnt allow my ex to ever learn or know what I had been through. Unfortunately the marriage did not last when I finally became painfully aware of what had happend I again attempted suicide not a good idea. I ended up getting a medical discharge from the Navy after 19 years because of cutting my arms with a razor as a way to feel real and to punish myself. I am finally after a lot of therapy and wonderful counselors at the Veterans Hospital I am able to deal with the memories. It still comes up on occasion but I am able to deal or get help when needed. I still have flashbacks especially about the gun but I deal with it with my therapist.

9/9/09 Cleveland

This post was submitted by JulieVond.

My story is probably one of many, but I was a child who was repeatedly molested, and unfortunately grew up to also be raped as an adult.

All of my offenders were known to me…it is funny, but people seem to believe that must be easier….I have been told that “at least you knew your abuser.” Wow!!! No words have ever been farther from the truth! These are people that you have grown to love and trust, and when they turn on you, it is nothing less than horrifying!! There is no up and down – no front and back. Your mind just cannot fathom the pain that is being inflicted. As a matter of fact, my five year old mind COULDN’T fathom it, and it shut down for years. No memories whatsoever! Only the rape brought it back in bits and pieces…

I will not go into the details – just want to get it out there that you CANNOT recover alone! No amount of time will ever make it go away or make it better…PLEASE seek help! I believe that my life was literally saved by getting help from the CRCC…if not for them, I would have probably ended it…..

This post was submitted by Colleen.

This post was submitted by זהבה.

המקרה השני, שוב תקיפה מינית בגיל 16.5 הייתי עם חברה שלי אצל חבר שלה בבית ישבנו צחקנו היה נחמד, השעה כבר הייתה מאוחרת וחברה שלי רצתה ללכת הביתה, חבר שלה נרדם אז היא ביקשה מדוד שלו שיקפיץ אותה הביתה שבמקרה הוא גם שכן שלי, היא ביקשה ממני להתלוות אליהם כי היא לא רצתה לנסוע איתו לבד ואני בתמימותי נסעתי איתם הרי הוא שכן שלי לא יכולתי לדעת שיהיה צורך לפחד ממנו כי הוא תמיד היה נחמד איתי, הורדנו אותה בבית ובמשך הנסיעה ראיתי שהוא לא נוסע לכיוון של הבית שאלתי אותו לאן הוא נוסע והוא שתק.
ראיתי שהוא נוסע לכיוון הבריכת שחיה ביקשתי שיקח אותי ה בייתה, הגענו לשם הוא סגר את כל הדלתות באוטו , הוא נצמד אלי, ליפף לי את הגוף עם היד שלו כדי שאני לא יזוז הוריד לעצמו את המכנסיים והתחיל להשתפשף עלי עד שהוא גמר הדמעות חנקו אותי הרגשתי כ”כ מושפלת ,
הוא נסע הוריד אותי ביית וביקש לא לספר לאף אחד על זה, רצתי הביתה והתקלחתי במשך שעות להוריד מעלי את ההרגשה.

עברו שנים הגעתי לגיל 19 הייתי חיילת חברה מהבסיס באה לישון אצלי ומכיוון שההורי שלי נסעו לסופ”ש עשינו כיף.
בשעה יותר מאוחרת חבר שלי לשעבר התקשר נשארנו ידידים, חברה שלי אמרה לי תגידי לו שיבוא ושיביא איתו משהו לאכול.
לאחר כשעה וחצי הוא הגיע אבל חברה שלי נרדמה בסלון אז אמרתי לו בוא ונשב בחדר שלי כדי שהיא לא תתעורר.
עברנו לחדר ישבנו דיברנו צחקנו ולפתע משום מקום אני לא יודעת מה קרה לו, הוא השכיב אותי על המיטה ע יד אחת הוא סתם לי את הפה ואם היד השנייה הוא הפשיט את עצמו ופשוט חדר אלי בכוח
העפתי אותו ממני הדמעות חנקו אותי לא יכולתי אפילו לצרוח.

לא סיפרתי על כך לאף אחד , ההורים שלי לא יודעים מכל זה, לא יודעים שהייתה לי התמוטטות עצבים בצבא , ששתיתי בצבא, שהייתי אצל פסיכיאטרית צבאית, שרציתי פשוט להתאבד,
אבל לקחתי את עצמי בידיים והחלטתי שאף אחד מהם לא שווה את זה ושאני אקח את עצמי בידיי ולא אתן להם לנצח.
לאחר המקרה השלישי פשוט השמנתי בכוונה כדי שאף אחד לא יסתכל עלי, החוסר ביטחון והפחד טמון בי עד היום.

למשטרה לא הלכתי למדתי מהמקרה הראשון שהם לא לוקחים את כל זה ברצינות.

This post was submitted by פאני.

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