The Linor Documentary Project

I was a freshman in high school. He was a senior boy. He asked me to go for a drive after school and would take me home. I was honored and felt special. A senior boy would ask me, a new freshman girl, to go for a ride and offer to take ME home. I went to an affluent school in an affluent neighborhood. He was from a good family and so was I. I did not know him or his family however. It just goes to show, that rape crosses over and under and through all socio-economic lines. He took a turn and said he had to stop at a middle school up the road. I had blocked this memory out for 15 years. It came flooding back to me in waves and pieces as an adult at age 30. The fragmented memories just kept spilling into my mind in pieces and parts and when I finally put it together the memory was a vivid one. So to continue, the senior boy pulled into the parking lot. He said he had to go into the school in a moment. In a matter of seconds he got on top of me, penetrated me and raped me in a matter of seconds…to my horror I was paralyzed and I am certain at that tender age of 15, I just sat there in the passenger seat, shocked, stunned, detached and numb. He raped me and went into the school. He was getting drugs I later found out. I never saw him after that. My life since then was a series of sad and unhealthy relationships, of depression and an eating disorder and a constant desire to escape some awful thing inside me that I never understood. I withdrew in my mind, but on the outside put on a normal facade. I had blocked this all out in my conscious mind since the day it happened, but the unconscious memories impacted my life in awful ways. I then developed an Eating Disorder at 17, and chronic depression followed along with it, (almost attempting suicide in college when my eating disorder became debilitating) along with other ways I desperately tried to numb a pain that I did not understand where it’s origins came from. When, at age 30, then divorced with 2 children, I had been back home after being away for many years, then the memory of this event came back. It explained a great deal of why my life turned out the way it did and why I had so many battles and struggles, but even sharing it with my closest of family and friends at 30, gave me no comfort. No one understood the connection from that to my life experiences. It is as if no one wanted to talk about it. Just wanted to tuck an awful thing far away just like I had done in my mind for many many years. Being a victim of rape sets a young woman up for a lifetime of shame, self=loathing, confusion, sadness and failed relationships not to mention confusion to who she is, her physical self, her emotional self and her future happiness. I have survived and today have 2 wonderful almost adult sons that I have raised alone. I am a writer and I am now pursuing a Masters degree in Counseling to become a Professional Clinical Counselor. I am currently 45.

This post was submitted by Andrea.

There are those that find themselves
Many times over
In situations of abuse

A pattern, repeated time and again
The victim doesn’t understand

The blame must be hers
Stupid, stupid girl

After the abuse
When the bruises are gone
The sore places on her body have healed
She is left with the humiliation
The shame
The filth
That sticks to her body like scum

She believes she is the essence of filth

She separates her body from her heart
For protection

4 short stories of sexual aggression.

Story 1:
The girl is 12 years old
Exploring an abandoned house with George
Her friend

George is a big, 14 year old
He traps her in a dirty corner
She’s confused
He is strong

Laughing at her
He pushes her down on the floor
She’s fighting and struggling

He gets her pants pulled down enough
To expose her most private parts
What is he trying to do?

She doesn’t understand
She’s so ashamed of her exposed sexuality
How did she get here?
Stupid, stupid girl

His heavy body on top of her
He’s trying to put his thing between her legs

He’s shoving, pushing, sweating
Bruising her thighs
He can’t seem to get his thing into her
She’s not sure exactly where he wants to put it
Why would he want to do this?

He finally stops
Leaves her on the dirty floor of the abandoned house

So confused
So ashamed
Doesn’t understand what happened

She gets up
Pulls her pants back up
Walks back to school and doesn’t tell a soul

Story 2:
The girl is 15
Getting drunk on homemade apple wine
With her friend Tom in his room
Tom is 17 and overweight

He pushes her down on the floor
And sits on her
Pulls up her shirt
She pulls it back down
Struggles to escape

He’s heavy and big
Sits firm on her body
Holds down her arms with his knees
He plays with her breasts
She struggles
“What do you care” he says

She doesn’t understand
She’s so ashamed of her exposed sexuality
How did she get here?
Stupid, stupid girl

So confused
So ashamed
Doesn’t understand what happened

He finally stops
She pulls her shirt down and goes home
She doesn’t tell a soul

Story 3:
The girl is 16
On a school trip to hear a concert
In town before the show
The kids had a “bash”
(God knows where the teachers were)
She got too drunk
Has passed out on the bus

Waking up from drunken sleep
She finds Paul, the most popular boy in school, leaning over her
His hands up her shirt
Feeling her breasts

He’s laughing

She’s told that all the boys in her class have had a feel of her breasts

She doesn’t understand
She’s so ashamed of her exposed sexuality
How did she get here?
Stupid, stupid girl

So confused
So ashamed
Doesn’t understand what happened

He runs away laughing
She straightens her cloths and wishes she could die

She doesn’t tell a soul
Even though the jokes on her, everyone knows

Story 4:
The girl is 26
She’s making love to her boyfriend, Koby
They’d argued earlier
But that was before
They had made up and were making love

He was tender and loving
He gently rolled her over

And then, this lover, Koby
Without warning
Held her down
No longer gentle
He forced his hard penis into her anus
He ignored her pain

She doesn’t understand
She’s so ashamed of her exposed sexuality
How did she get here?
Stupid, stupid girl

So confused
So ashamed
Doesn’t understand what happened

He said he was still angry from the earlier argument
He wanted to teach her a lesson

They break up a little while after that
What he did to her remains a dirty secret
She doesn’t tell a soul

4 stories, One girl
She has more stories
She was raped by an acquaintance when she was 17
Sexually assaulted by a salesman in a cloths store when she was 20
The circle goes round and round
Her world is one of self hate, fear and hiding

The girl is me
It’s easier to talk about her as someone else
My story is no more tragic then others, less then some

The reason I am sharing the story is not because my story is unique
I think there are many with a similar story
Sharing the story helps heal the wound
The ugly details of the abuse are hard to express
But even harder to express is the self hate, the shame, the dark secret
These remain long after the physical body has healed

Rape can and does happen to women of all kinds
But there are those, possibly most cases of rape
In which the women and girls are caught in the same circle I was caught in
The aggressor, which is a friend or acquaintance of his victim,
Takes advantage of her low self esteem
And the aggressor takes advantage of his status as a friend

It is harder to stop a friend then it is to stop a stranger
The rapist has the advantage that you trust him
That you don’t want to hurt a friend
That you are confused that your friend would want to hurt you

After years of self reflection
A little therapy
And some help from friends (the real kind)
I have finally broken out of the circle
For me, I had to learn that I am worthy
Beautiful, Good

To discover my own goodness I had to stop hiding
Stand naked in front of the mirror
Love the girl that had been raped, abused, scarred
I had to forgive myself

It is a long, long journey
It takes courage, support and understanding
Of people that know how to listen without judgment and without fear

At the age of 50 I can now touch and be touched

This post was submitted by libby.

Ive been debating telling this story let alone publish it. I was 10 years old when I was continuously raped by a neighbor which lasted 2 years. I blamed myself for years for what happened but now I firmly believe that this person was a monster and there wasnt anything I could do.

The first time he actually penetrated me he held me down and no matter how much screaming I did it didnt help. After that incident I told him I wouldnt come over anymore at which point he put the barrel of a 357 revolver in my mouth and pulled the trigger he didnt load it but I didnt know that. He told me if I ever told or stopped coming over the next time it would be loaded. There was a while when I wish it had been loaded so it would be over.

During the rape I totally disconnected myself from the event. I remember seeing myself struggling and screaming which didnt make sense because i was on the ceiling or in the corner hiding curled up.

As a way of dealing with the rape I blocked out everything from my memory including my childhood. My life as an adult was mostly not feeling anything dont let anyone in never get too close to anyone. I even went as far as joining the Navy to get away from the memories.

I burried the memories for about 25 years though it did show through with the way I socially isolated as much as possible and my one early suicide ideation about age 23.

I married and we had one wonderful child but throughout the marriage I didnt allow my ex to ever learn or know what I had been through. Unfortunately the marriage did not last when I finally became painfully aware of what had happend I again attempted suicide not a good idea. I ended up getting a medical discharge from the Navy after 19 years because of cutting my arms with a razor as a way to feel real and to punish myself. I am finally after a lot of therapy and wonderful counselors at the Veterans Hospital I am able to deal with the memories. It still comes up on occasion but I am able to deal or get help when needed. I still have flashbacks especially about the gun but I deal with it with my therapist.

9/9/09 Cleveland

This post was submitted by JulieVond.

I was supposed to be a part of the interviews for the Cleveland Rape Crisis Center, but for some reason that did not pan out, so here I am….

My story is probably one of many, but I was a child who was repeatedly molested, and unfortunately grew up to also be raped as an adult.

All of my offenders were known to me…it is funny, but people seem to believe that must be easier….I have been told that “at least you knew your abuser.” Wow!!! No words have ever been farther from the truth! These are people that you have grown to love and trust, and when they turn on you, it is nothing less than horrifying!! There is no up and down – no front and back. Your mind just cannot fathom the pain that is being inflicted. As a matter of fact, my five year old mind COULDN’T fathom it, and it shut down for years. No memories whatsoever! Only the rape brought it back in bits and pieces…

I will not go into the details – just want to get it out there that you CANNOT recover alone! No amount of time will ever make it go away or make it better…PLEASE seek help! I believe that my life was literally saved by getting help from the CRCC…if not for them, I would have probably ended it…..

This post was submitted by Colleen.

לינור יקרה, בלי שתדעי ליוות אותי בשנים הקשות שלי. נאנסתי במשך שנים וכשאת סיפרת את הסיפור שלך אני הייתי בת 13. נתת לי את הכוח לספר את הסיפור שלי ולבקש עזרה. היום- יותר מעשור אחרי… ואחרי טיפול ארוך שנים ואין בוף עליות וירידות אני גאה לומר-
ניצחתי.
אני חיה. נהנת מהחיים. יש לי אהבה. ואני לא עסוקה בלשכוח אלא בלחיות לצד המקרה בשלום ובנחת. ואולי בזכות זה הגעתי למה שאני היום ומצאתי את אהבת חיי. אני נלחמתי ואני רוצה שתדעי שהדרך שאת בחרת הייתה לי למטרה. רציתי לגדול להיות אישה חזקה כמוך. אני מברכת אותך ומעריצה את היוזמה והאומץ שלך לעשות את הסרט- שמבחינתי הוא עבודת קודש. תודה לך שאת משתמשת בכוח של במובן הכי חיובי וראוי שיכולת. הענקת למשמעות כוח – פן אצילי. את הפה של כל כך הרבה בנות – ואני בניהן.
תודה. מאחלת שהחיים יחייכו אלייך
ומחבקת חזק

This post was submitted by זהבה.