I have waited all my life to be able to tell this to someone I can trust, someone who will not judge me, but most importantly after hearing Linor Abargil and Cecelia Peck I am convinced that our stories may perhaps save others from being traumatized years after our rape. My hope is that by telling our stories, others will go on to live their lives without shame thinking that they are not worthy of a loving relationship. I was 15 years old, violently raped repeatedly for months by two cousins and they were brothers. I feared for my life. My life until that time was full of hopes and dreams and a boy crush who respected me. When my cousins robbed me of my innocence I began to feel dirty and ashamed which caused me to turn my back on my teen crush and I lost interest in all things scholastic. In the years following I would settle for men that were wolves, and became submissive. Now, 52 years later and two failed marriages, I am brought to tears, because after hearing you speak, I am realizing that I feared intimacy stemming from those rapes which also led to self-esteem/weight issues. Now, today, this minute I think of how my life could have been different had there been someone like you women to confide in, to tell my situation to, who could have guided me through the trauma, fear, rejections and humiliation I felt back then and throughout most of my life.
This post was submitted by Victoria.
Dear Victoria, thank you for your post. Sharing your experience will help so many others know that they’re not alone. We have heard from so many women (and men) who have had similar experiences. And who often have a history of ways that the trauma manifests, for instance with eating disorders, with drugs and alcohol, with cutting, trouble with relationships, and so many other issues. I know Linor would say that it’s so important to talk and to get it out, so that you’re not holding it inside. She believes it will eat you up and ruin your life if you don’t get it out. She also says there is no reason to be ashamed; it’s the rapist who should be ashamed. Even about something that happened long ago, it’s so important to talk about it. And for those who don’t have family or friends they can trust, there are hot lines and crisis centers, where you can talk to someone who doesn’t judge you. I’m so glad that you heard the radio show, that you’ve found this website and can use it as a safe place to share with other survivors. Love, Cecilia
Intimacy seems to be the key for healing for a lot of people with all kinds of emotional and physical trauma. It’s strange how the word intimacy is used as a euphemism for sex and lovemaking, but I think intimacy means trust.
For a long time several of my friends have been fumbling towards a remedy for trauma through addictions to drugs, religion, and sabotaging relationships. As an outsider I am stunned at the height and strength of the metaphoric walls put up by victims. I think the only way to healing is through a brick-by-brick assembly of a healthy foundation of self-intimacy. The best place to acquire bricks is from the same over-protective wall that is shutting out the rest of the world, good, bad, and indifferent. This way you can truly know when you’ve succeeded because you will run out of bricks from the wall, and have a solid footing of self-trust to operate from because you built it yourself.
The equilibrium of the wall-to-foundation ratio seems to be the thing to watch. We all start out with the same number of bricks in life. If we all take good care of our bricks, we can always re-build, and maybe even loan a few out to some other worthy projects from time to time.