The Linor Documentary Project

I was a freshman in high school. He was a senior boy. He asked me to go for a drive after school and would take me home. I was honored and felt special. A senior boy would ask me, a new freshman girl, to go for a ride and offer to take ME home. I went to an affluent school in an affluent neighborhood. He was from a good family and so was I. I did not know him or his family however. It just goes to show, that rape crosses over and under and through all socio-economic lines. He took a turn and said he had to stop at a middle school up the road. I had blocked this memory out for 15 years. It came flooding back to me in waves and pieces as an adult at age 30. The fragmented memories just kept spilling into my mind in pieces and parts and when I finally put it together the memory was a vivid one. So to continue, the senior boy pulled into the parking lot. He said he had to go into the school in a moment. In a matter of seconds he got on top of me, penetrated me and raped me in a matter of seconds…to my horror I was paralyzed and I am certain at that tender age of 15, I just sat there in the passenger seat, shocked, stunned, detached and numb. He raped me and went into the school. He was getting drugs I later found out. I never saw him after that. My life since then was a series of sad and unhealthy relationships, of depression and an eating disorder and a constant desire to escape some awful thing inside me that I never understood. I withdrew in my mind, but on the outside put on a normal facade. I had blocked this all out in my conscious mind since the day it happened, but the unconscious memories impacted my life in awful ways. I then developed an Eating Disorder at 17, and chronic depression followed along with it, (almost attempting suicide in college when my eating disorder became debilitating) along with other ways I desperately tried to numb a pain that I did not understand where it’s origins came from. When, at age 30, then divorced with 2 children, I had been back home after being away for many years, then the memory of this event came back. It explained a great deal of why my life turned out the way it did and why I had so many battles and struggles, but even sharing it with my closest of family and friends at 30, gave me no comfort. No one understood the connection from that to my life experiences. It is as if no one wanted to talk about it. Just wanted to tuck an awful thing far away just like I had done in my mind for many many years. Being a victim of rape sets a young woman up for a lifetime of shame, self=loathing, confusion, sadness and failed relationships not to mention confusion to who she is, her physical self, her emotional self and her future happiness. I have survived and today have 2 wonderful almost adult sons that I have raised alone. I am a writer and I am now pursuing a Masters degree in Counseling to become a Professional Clinical Counselor. I am currently 45.

This post was submitted by Andrea.

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