The Linor Documentary Project

There are those that find themselves
Many times over
In situations of abuse

A pattern, repeated time and again
The victim doesn’t understand

The blame must be hers
Stupid, stupid girl

After the abuse
When the bruises are gone
The sore places on her body have healed
She is left with the humiliation
The shame
The filth
That sticks to her body like scum

She believes she is the essence of filth

She separates her body from her heart
For protection

4 short stories of sexual aggression.

Story 1:
The girl is 12 years old
Exploring an abandoned house with George
Her friend

George is a big, 14 year old
He traps her in a dirty corner
She’s confused
He is strong

Laughing at her
He pushes her down on the floor
She’s fighting and struggling

He gets her pants pulled down enough
To expose her most private parts
What is he trying to do?

She doesn’t understand
She’s so ashamed of her exposed sexuality
How did she get here?
Stupid, stupid girl

His heavy body on top of her
He’s trying to put his thing between her legs

He’s shoving, pushing, sweating
Bruising her thighs
He can’t seem to get his thing into her
She’s not sure exactly where he wants to put it
Why would he want to do this?

He finally stops
Leaves her on the dirty floor of the abandoned house

So confused
So ashamed
Doesn’t understand what happened

She gets up
Pulls her pants back up
Walks back to school and doesn’t tell a soul

Story 2:
The girl is 15
Getting drunk on homemade apple wine
With her friend Tom in his room
Tom is 17 and overweight

He pushes her down on the floor
And sits on her
Pulls up her shirt
She pulls it back down
Struggles to escape

He’s heavy and big
Sits firm on her body
Holds down her arms with his knees
He plays with her breasts
She struggles
“What do you care” he says

She doesn’t understand
She’s so ashamed of her exposed sexuality
How did she get here?
Stupid, stupid girl

So confused
So ashamed
Doesn’t understand what happened

He finally stops
She pulls her shirt down and goes home
She doesn’t tell a soul

Story 3:
The girl is 16
On a school trip to hear a concert
In town before the show
The kids had a “bash”
(God knows where the teachers were)
She got too drunk
Has passed out on the bus

Waking up from drunken sleep
She finds Paul, the most popular boy in school, leaning over her
His hands up her shirt
Feeling her breasts

He’s laughing

She’s told that all the boys in her class have had a feel of her breasts

She doesn’t understand
She’s so ashamed of her exposed sexuality
How did she get here?
Stupid, stupid girl

So confused
So ashamed
Doesn’t understand what happened

He runs away laughing
She straightens her cloths and wishes she could die

She doesn’t tell a soul
Even though the jokes on her, everyone knows

Story 4:
The girl is 26
She’s making love to her boyfriend, Koby
They’d argued earlier
But that was before
They had made up and were making love

He was tender and loving
He gently rolled her over

And then, this lover, Koby
Without warning
Held her down
No longer gentle
He forced his hard penis into her anus
He ignored her pain

She doesn’t understand
She’s so ashamed of her exposed sexuality
How did she get here?
Stupid, stupid girl

So confused
So ashamed
Doesn’t understand what happened

He said he was still angry from the earlier argument
He wanted to teach her a lesson

They break up a little while after that
What he did to her remains a dirty secret
She doesn’t tell a soul

4 stories, One girl
She has more stories
She was raped by an acquaintance when she was 17
Sexually assaulted by a salesman in a cloths store when she was 20
The circle goes round and round
Her world is one of self hate, fear and hiding

The girl is me
It’s easier to talk about her as someone else
My story is no more tragic then others, less then some

The reason I am sharing the story is not because my story is unique
I think there are many with a similar story
Sharing the story helps heal the wound
The ugly details of the abuse are hard to express
But even harder to express is the self hate, the shame, the dark secret
These remain long after the physical body has healed

Rape can and does happen to women of all kinds
But there are those, possibly most cases of rape
In which the women and girls are caught in the same circle I was caught in
The aggressor, which is a friend or acquaintance of his victim,
Takes advantage of her low self esteem
And the aggressor takes advantage of his status as a friend

It is harder to stop a friend then it is to stop a stranger
The rapist has the advantage that you trust him
That you don’t want to hurt a friend
That you are confused that your friend would want to hurt you

After years of self reflection
A little therapy
And some help from friends (the real kind)
I have finally broken out of the circle
For me, I had to learn that I am worthy
Beautiful, Good

To discover my own goodness I had to stop hiding
Stand naked in front of the mirror
Love the girl that had been raped, abused, scarred
I had to forgive myself

It is a long, long journey
It takes courage, support and understanding
Of people that know how to listen without judgment and without fear

At the age of 50 I can now touch and be touched

This post was submitted by libby.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, September 15th, 2009 at 9:07 am and is filed under share your story. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.